Pacts
.treaties
..war
.all pointless. There has been a long standing and bloody war raging across the land. People dying constantly
.dead bodies disregarded in the streets and left to rot. Who can worry about the dead when those who live are worried about life? War and disease were common place
.for about a thousand years or so. The original cause of this is unknown
it was so long ago. But it started out as a feud between two major factions. The people of Kenosta and, as the Kenosti referred to them as
well
Them. Any other name has been lost to history. But for technicalities sake, the Kenosti also fought amongst themselves as well. They were a large tribal people, with many leaders and many disputes. So everyone was really just killing everyone else
.pointless. Kill or be killed, so murder was a necessity for survival.
When life was bleak enough, when their way of life hurt enough, someone stepped forward to cause change. A treaty was signed, to avoid utter destruction. The idea for this treaty was formed at the beginning of the war, by a prince of Them. It is a testament to the nature of the Kenosti that the treaty took so many years to be signed. In deference to this prince the peoples leaders decided to name the treaty for him
but no one knew his name anymore, so they just called it His Idea. Everyone knew whom it referred too
..
To help uphold this treaty an additional pact was made. At the age of fourteen the first born children of the royal families would be exchanged. They would live as an heir to their enemys throne for the next twelve years. Unable to return home until the twelve years were over, they would have to make their way in an enemy land. This would help to ensure that the treaty was kept. For, who would attack and cause the death of their own children?
But complete peace did not last for long, trouble started fairly soon. Once there was peace between the peoples, marriages broke out. Like a plague they spread, causing new conflicts and wars of a different nature. Persecution ran rampant. Soon, children were born. It is said that these children were
not quite right. They possessed a peculiar look, an odd blending of the peoples features. The white blond hair or blue eyes from Them mixed unusually with the Kenostis lean build. The appearance of these mixed ones was unsettling. Rumors started about these children, rumors stating that they would mean the end for all
..that they would bring about worse horror than the wars had. Marriages between the two peoples were soon made illegal.
As if that could stop what was to come
Some years after these illegalities, our story comes to life in the form of a child.....















Critiques
The following is a list of grammatical errors & typos just so your story can flow more smoothly, as well as what caught my interest and what came across well:
1. There has been a long standing, bloody, war raging across the land...for about a thousnd years or so. - Between blood and war there needn't be a comma. And "thousand" is just missing an 'a' between the 's' and the 'n'.
2. But, if you want the technicalities, the Kenosti fought amungst themselves as well. - "Amongst", I believe.
3. The Idea for this treaty was formed at the beginning of the war, by a prince of Them. - "idea" doesn't need a capitalization, unless this "Idea" is a title--like an official declaration or reference known as The Idea. In the second case, this would be just fine.
4. And, it is a testament to the nature of the Kenosti that the treaty took a thousand to be signed! - I forgot to mention earlier that I love the word "Kenosti"; very creative!
5. However, to help uphold this treaty an additional pact was made. - Provisions like this are always excellent to use in stories. Excellent call.
6. At the age of foreteen or so, the first born children of the royal family would be exchanged. It would be for a minimum of twelve years. They would live as an an heir to the enemy's throne, until it was time to return home. This would help to ensure that the treaty was kept. - "Fourteen". Elsewise, this idea is definitely intriguing! What a great idea to keep checks and balances all in order, right? Sounds great.
7. Neadless to say, trouble started fairly quick. Once peace broke out, the marriages started. - "Needless". Also "broke out" seems an odd choice when coupled with peace. Usually war 'breaks out' and peace 'is attained' or 'begins'.
8. It was said that these children were...odd...or not quite right. Fore they possessed a peculiar look, from the blending of features. - "For" not "fore". But the idea of the blending of these two people is terrific. Good choice, making the children look so unique.
9. The white blond hair or blue eyes from Them, mixed with the Kenostis' leen build. The look these mixed oned had was unsetteling. Marriages betwean the two peoples were soon made illegal. - "lean", "ones", "unsettling", "between". Again, I love how they look. It means there's no getting around how odd they are, and no hiding their unique parentage.
10. Like that would stop what was to come. . . - Isn't it interesting that when people fear something, they illegalize it; make it wrong, or bad.
11. Preface. Some time after the illegalities - As I said before, from this point the first chapter could start, as it deviates so much from the prologue's narrative, stepping into a character's point of view.
12. Sheira gasped in abject horror at the sight before her eyes. - An excellent line! And her name is terrific, too.
13. This grousome....thing. - "gruesome"
14. The poignant, sickly sweat, smell eminating from it made her light headed. It was making her gag! - A typo, you meant "sweet" instead of "sweat." Also, the second sentence seems a little...off. Perhaps combining them to look something like this," [...]made her lightheaded as she gagged on the stench." Something like that.
15. She slowly started to back up, trying to find a way out. Trying to get away before she was seen. She felt along the cold, slimy, wall. She couldn't see anything but the figure, slowly turning in her direction. She didn't want to die, and she didn't want to believe that it could happen. - As I said before, excellent suspense. Well done in this paragraph all around!
16. But her squeel had already given her away. . . . . - "Squeal".
Again, an excellent beginning. A lot of what I found can be easily taken care of by sending it through a word processor to catch the typos and misspellings. Other than that, I only have those few suggestions. I look forward to more. As I said before, you have a lot of potential, and a lot of imagination. Keep going; you'll do great!
Also, one last tip. I may have told you this before, but it's so important to pursue a story all the way through before doing any serious revamping. Fixing typos and such is fine, but the point is to finish. The second draft is all about refining it.
Previous PageNext PageThank you for your Critique
You are not logged in.