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One day, as the sun set, there was an unusual sight
Fire growing up from the forest...covering and consuming  
Smoke rising into pluming clouds that set off color tinted rays of sunlight
Clouds that stank and choked no matter their beauty

Because little Suzie was playing in the woods her brother went to find her
......but neither ever returned
This is their story as we know it
For on that day they found a way into another world
And entered into a new life, a life of light and sound
One of joy and laughter, and of sweet food and warm shelter  
A life where they found peace everlasting  

A fantastical place you might say
Somewhere that could never exist...but it does  
They found it, and they live there evermore
One may scoff, and call this fantasy
For even though they found it, we will not

As we are we could not see…
..Though we may see proof of its existence  
There are many things even in this world
Though they are not seen, are plenty real  

When the wind blows, whispers, and caresses it is very real
When a small thing, unseeable to our eyes, takes the life of a child
We know the disease was there, but how?
Because they are felt, and if we trust our hearts we know
We know of things we would not know of otherwise
So when I say that they found this world, know that it is true  

They found it after leaving this one, on that day the fire came  
They found a life in that world...
....after losing it in ours
©2009 *TremaniS
:icontremanis:

Author's Comments

I haven't really written any poetry before, so I'm not sure if this has been done right.
I was trying to do an abrupt and choppy sentence structure to contrast with the story itself.

I would greatly appreciate any honest critiques. And please don't worry about offending, I would love to have any help.

Critiques


:iconhumanstick:
Wow is right! Hikari said it exactly as I wanted, but I wanted to say it myself also!

While there is always room for improvement in anything we do, I really loved this!

It was simple and beautiful, and even though there was a tragedy, there was also a calming peace. I liked the style you used and the picture you painted in my mind. It can help those, who truly look and want to find something wonderful, to believe in something more.

This is my favorite of your things so far in the writing area! An excellent work of feeling! :clap:
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconhikari-collection:
"Wow," is exactly what I said aloud as I finished reading this. I...loved this. The structure works well with the feel of this; the thoughts, so poignant, amaze. Well, well done.


1. A fantastical place you might say,
somewhere that could never exist...but it does.
They found it, and they live there evermore.
One may scoff, and call this fantasy.
For even though they found it, we will not. - I just absolutely love this paragraph!

2. When a small thing, unseable to our eyes, takes the life of a child - "unseeable"

3. They found it after leaving this one, on that day the fire came.
They found a life in that world...
....after losing it in ours. - The perfect ending line.

Honestly, this is just incredible.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


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:iconmiddi-chan:
wow loved it, your description and the flow of the writing style was smooth and beautiful and it gave me goosebumps in that touching/heartfelt kind of way, nicely done

--
People are like stained glass windows they sparkle and shine when the sun is out but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within...
:icontremanis:
Thanks!!! I'm really glad you liked it! I think its the first piece of mine that I've still liked when looking back at it.

--
There be gold in them hills....but good luck finding it!

Details

June 17
1.7 KB

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